The best is already here!

Do you often miss recognising opportunity and end up complaining about some of the best things that happen to you?

AN author friend called to seek advice on a film script being offered to him. His dilemma on whether to accept it or not made him call me for some hard talk and frank advice.

His was a strange dilemma, one I couldn't understand initially. Here he was being offered a dream project, so why was he dilly dallying about signing the dotted line?! After some probing, I understood his hesitation; with his first book, he is well known as a romantic fiction writer. Though happy with his success, he has tried in vain to shrug off the epithet since he is clear he wants to be an opinion maker and write more serious stuff.

The more he kicks against it the more it comes back to him with renewed strength. The more he protests he goes beyond romance writing, the more the press revels in attaching the word to his name like an exalted title. Now the problem with the movie was that it too was what they now popularly call a romcom (romantic comedy) and taking it on would further establish him in the genre he is seeking to sidestep!

As a dispassionate observer, I could see he had been established neatly in a genre and was on his way to accruing gains from the positioning. But the man was actively trying to escape his own destiny! How could he be sure he would stand to gain as much in another field? What if he kicks close the door opened for him now, never to have another held open again? Or at least not one that would lead him to the right places?

On the other hand, one could argue, how would he know his potential in the other field till he tried his hand at it? And self-help gurus tell us that in life there are no gains without taking risks! Who is to know? Should he follow his head or heart?

The problem is that sometimes we end up kicking and protesting against things that are the biggest blessings for us. We do not appreciate their value till it is too late. The other day a bureaucrat friend was protesting under the burden of a new project and the stress of increased interactions on a daily basis with the big bosses. His immediate boss was on leave, with the result all the boss' work and interactions had fallen to his lot. Whoops! And the man was actually complaining and wilting under the burden. I asked him if this wasn't what he always wanted. Yes, he said, but not "this" way! Come on, you cannot dictate the manner in which you achieve your desire! Here was his golden opportunity to prove his worth, or he should declare himself a failure and never dream again!

Indeed, sometimes opportunity can come knocking on the door and you may ignore it, mistaking it for some unwanted visitor! But again that doesn't mean you answer every knock expecting Opportunity to be standing outside.

Quite often later in life we realise that in the middle of some of our most beautiful moments we were busy protesting and looking for something else. Seldom do we stop, look around and bless the present moment. Interestingly, in our front page piece today, Prahlad Kakkar's tip to achieve happiness is to stop pursuing greater glory or pleasures and to focus on simpler things. Kunal Vijaykar too offers a similar tip, asking people to chase their imagination rather than other people's jobs!

Another friend who was inordinately worried about her son's education at every stage, when asked if she was happy now her son had returned after post graduation abroad, said, "I am very worried about his job now!" We are always worrying about the next thing rather than enjoying the present moment! What about being glad for what we get and have in hand rather than pining for what is beyond reach?

Would you say that is a shortsighted view? Maybe it is, but maybe true happiness lies in the here and now, rather than in chasing whimsical, effervescent butterflies! If you let your body and mind follow the rhythm of time and allow yourself to flow along with life, your instinctive choices are almost always bound to be the right ones.

Just be sure to take responsibility for your own choices and not turn around to blame the one who helped you with some advice if things don't turn out as expected. Maybe what you didn't expect is the happier choice for you…who knows?

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The Year That Was!

2009 was the year of sex, fallen heroes and aggressive PR, with stars being seen and heard everywhere!

As we allow the year to slip by, the first reaction is a sense of panic at how fast time flies. The next, a quick calculation of what we managed to achieve in these 365 days - the ups and downs, the euphoria and setbacks. And then, a list of resolutions for the next year to make up for what we lost and to achieve what couldn't be managed.

At this juncture, every news channel, newspaper, magazine, blog and every grandpa takes a stock of the year gone by, spelling out lessons learnt - the good, the bad and worst the year brought us. Some amusing, some disappointing, others quite predictable.

All I attempt here is three observations that struck me recently in the midst of some of the constant dance and interplay between celebrities and media …

No matter what, sex sells!

Some of the most salacious scandals that sent TRPs soaring and page views rocketing this year were incidents we enjoyed thoroughly before puckering up our brows and frowning. And all of them had to do with, yes, sex!   Be it a Shweta Tewari or Negar Khan bathing under a waterfall in a reality show; Neetu Chandra canoodling with Krishika Gupta for an ad shoot in 'gay' abandon, or golfing legend Tiger Woods being besieged by luscious ladies with fingers pointed at him - the underlying layer of sex is what appealed and fascinated all. These were the items of news that had most of us sit up and take notice, check out most frequently on internet, or surf television channels for. Indeed we may deny it all we like but reality is that the three-letter word sells!

Never take what you have for granted!

What is it that pushes people, particularly those in the public eye to court danger despite every likelihood of getting caught and losing everything they ever had? Does a celebrity status blind you to dangers? In that one moment of madness, how do they lose sense of who they are and the repercussions they would have to face for a single act? Does one start imagining that one is immune to any adverse reactions or sense of ethics? What did Shiney imagine when he allegedly pounced on his maid? Did he think she would quietly acquiesce to his demands or that nobody would point a finger at him? What did Tiger imagine during his many assignations and one-night stands - did he think the truth would never come out, or did he think he was above any accusations? Once caught in the wrong, nobody was ever saved because of his celebrity status. The public is morally uptight and unforgiving, particularly with those whom we seat on a pedestal.

In today's world, marketing or perception is everything!

In a world where perception is reality and publicity makes all the difference between success and failure, the accent on marketing is immense. We are bombarded with a blitzkrieg of ads everywhere. Without even realising it, our everyday choices are dictated by the papers we read, the channels we watch and the sites we visit, and the ad exposure each one of these gives us. If you have noticed, most stars give effusive interviews and make friendly appearances only on the eve of a release. Particularly notorious for this is Aamir Khan, who though unavailable and even irascible otherwise, dons a most unlikely public image soon as a movie is ready for release. So conscious are stars about publicity and marketing aspects that they even allow their names to be linked romantically with co-stars just to arouse interest in the movie. Needless to say, the public laps it all up!

Of course there were many more observations made, and we try and deal with some more in the limited space in this issue. Hope you enjoy it!

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Ever had a mind affair?

Delving into the depths of another mind can be both interesting and adventurous. Similar minds attract while different ones mesmerise...

Quite often we find a person attractive or beautiful. But how many times do we find another person mentally stimulating? Like a good book or a movie, how many times does another leave us with thoughts to mull over, questions to answer and yet more questions to ask?

Do you wait eagerly for the next meeting of minds with someone? How often does someone excite the mind rather than just the body or emotions?

You may grow used to the sheer physical beauty of your loved one; grow out of a sexual attraction or even get used to their kindness, warmth or niceties and start taking these for granted. But there is one thing that can neither be taken for granted, nor is a trait you could get used to or grow out of. This is the stimulating power of another mind, the uncanny intricacies of the mind that attract and enrapture you.

This is the one quality that doesn't come with an expiry date.As a young girl, along with other friends, I enjoyed reading Mills & Boons, not for any sexual content as most imagine (back then they didn't even exchange a kiss till the last page), but for the witty repartee between the main characters.

The almost-always petite, fiery haired and tempestuous heroine and the tall, arrogant, dark hero with superior intellect and a silver tongue. Their exchanges would hold me enthralled and for me, these became the definition of romance.

If you were in love, you had to be able to exchange witty repartee; it became an irreplaceable stimulant in a relationship. The relationship of Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet in Pride and Prejudice too had acrimonious but stimulating conversations as the basis.

We are always interested in the working of an unusual mind. Those who are predictable get boring after a while. It's the minds that are able to think differently, think out of the box, come up with new, creative ideas and keep destroying to rebuild again, that are really worth interacting with.

Whenever a problem is brought up, almost everybody tries to offer quick, easy and commonplace solutions. And then there may be that one person who will think different. And come up with a solution that's unusual and pathbreaking. That's the mind that operates a notch or two deeper than others.

You may talk to many during the course of a day. And yet there may be the one whose conversation had the ability to make you sit up and take notice; the one whose thinking process and mind not just interested, but challenged you. That is the mind and the conversation that stays with you, the one that you will seek out again and again. The one you will have a mind affair with.

A mind affair that is quite different from a physical affair. Or even love or romance. Delving into the depths of another mind can be more interesting and adventurous than anything else in the world. While a similar thinking process and similar thoughts can be attractive and reassuring, what can be mesmerising is a different mind that challenges your understanding and the working of your own mind. It is not necessary that the mind you relate to would be attractive to another as well.

Criminal minds all share a common mind-set that is disturbingly different from the average mind-set. Such proclivity towards a criminal mind is evident from childhood. The very strangeness and dangerous quality of this mind holds a different type of fascination for us and we find studies, books and movies made around the study of such a mind extremely engaging.

And then there is the realm of mind games, games that highly intelligent minds play to control the minds of those lesser than themselves or those emotionally dependent on them. Such intelligent, but complicated minds can be highly dangerous and are usually associated with people who have a high IQ level. You wouldn't even realise and somebody close to you could be controlling your every thought, every action and emotion. And deriving a great satisfaction from it!

It's almost like playing a game, like posing a challenge to oneself. Such a mind often veers towards obsessive and it can be very difficult to disengage from such a person who almost takes you over mentally.

Also consider the twists and turns of the corporate mind, the ability to survive highly politicised situations and stay afloat with sheer power of mind. This can be a unique aphrodisiac when you win the games and the worst depressant when you lose some! It's a game of one upmanship. Such games can be dangerous for the uninitiated, though they are a deadly battle of survival that takes place every day, all the time, just beneath the sophisticated, smooth-seeming veneers of most organisations, at the higher levels.

The beauty of finding a person whose mind appeals to you is that he/she keeps you fully engaged and in a state of perpetual stimulation. The effect can be a highly positive one if you do not allow yourself to be completely overshadowed but rather focus on enjoying the magnificence and intricacies of such a lively interaction and taking inspiration from it to build your own mind and grow to a higher level together...

Parting can be sweet sorrow

When a relationship ends, one person tends to shed it off faster, while the other wades through the pain and grief of parting When Priyanka Chopra and Harman Baweja split, she moved out faster and more smoothly from the relationship than Harman did.

In a recent interview he talks about his suffering during the shooting of What'sYour Rashi? There was a lot of awkwardness. It was hard to see her talk on the phone and text. I knew what was happening he says, hinting that Priyanka was carrying on with Shahid right under his nose.

Priyanka, on the other hand, well into another relationship, was seemingly insensitive to Harman's suffering. When Kareena and Shahid split, Kareena seemed to move on more smoothly into a new relationship with Saif, while Shahid seemed to linger on in the now defunct relationship for a while longer.

Almost always when a relationship ends, one person tends to shed it faster, while the other wades through the pain and grief of parting. How you respond depends on your personality type and state of dependence on your partner. It can also be impacted by the manner in which the parting happened. Did one unexpectedly walk out of the relationship while the other was unprepared? Or, was it a slow and helpless falling out of love on both sides? Did one cheat or hurt the other in any way? Was there respect in the relationship?

What helps the process is if the break is for the right reason. If two partners decide to break off to move on to more positive and fulfilling stuff, the parting is likely to be amicable. However, if one partner walks out seeking to hurt or punish the other, the parting and subsequent interaction is bound to be acrimonious and painful for both. In order to have a peaceful after, it's important to weed out the negativity along with the relationship.

In deference to the relationship and earlier shared love, it is incumbent on the break-up pair to ensure the impact on the other is minimal. Some people find it helps to have a Transition Relationship around the time of a break up. Almost always in a break up, one person has found someone else to love, while the other is smarting under disbelief and grief.

The hurt person may attract such a temporary relationship. It is commonly looked upon as a miscalculated "relationship on the rebound." However, I prefer to look upon a transition affair as a helpful hand Destiny extends to get us through a difficult period. And since such help is needed for just a while, these relationships, by their very nature, are short lasting.
The most critical thing to remember in the midst of the grief is that time heals all. There comes a time when tears dry up, the heartache stops and what remains is a regret for what could have been. Unless of course you have reason not to let go that last link with the relationship. As with actor Rekha, who often creates embarrassing moments by keeping alive the memory of her decades-old affair with Amitabh Bachchan. The Big B though, seems to have moved on. Unless he is a better actor than she is!

One moves on and stops grieving, no matter how sharp and unnerving the parting. Knowing this as a reality in the middle of your tragedy helps. And what helps more than anything else is if both partners accord each other due respect and make an effort to help make the parting easier.
You cannot predict or dictate how a relationship ends. But you can certainly choose to let go of it with dignity. For this, it is important to first accept that the relationship has actually ended. The support of friends and family is something that should be actively sought to help tide over the worst of the crisis.

Under the stress of a breaking relationship, tempers can be mercurial; try and avoid getting into fights, and make some allowances for the other partner's irrational words and actions; it will help you retain your sanity.

Even if you have moved into a new relationship, do not flaunt it in front of your ex or mutual friends; it can hurt like nothing else. Try and give your relationship a closure. It is important to talk as well as to listen, to discuss and together try to understand rationally and without emotion what went wrong. Also, inject a positive note by thinking of all the things you can do once you are free. Plan your days in a manner that doesn't allow you time for brooding.
Try staying away from reminders of happy times, at least for a while. Those memories will bring a smile later, currently they will only make you miserable. Do not try to remain friends at least not at this stage it's unnatural when you are smarting and can perhaps come later.

If handled carefully on both sides, parting though still painful, can at least cease to be a lifelong trauma. And perhaps when you look back in the autumn of life, it can just be a sweet sorrow. . .