When a woman laughs

Good girls only smile, eyes cast down. That’s what girls are told from childhood. That logic however doesn’t cut ice with girls anymore...

A woman’s gentle smile as she looks at the baby in her arms; the shy smile of a girl who first steps into womanhood;  the coquettish slanted smile of a woman when she teases her lover; the uproarious laughter a woman shares only with siblings, or when alone with women friends.

A woman’s laugh is fascinating to a man at all times. And she knows it. In fact, laughter shares a special place amongst the sexes in the mating game. Small enchanting smiles that reveal untold secrets as eyes skitter away after meeting accidentally; the open smile of attraction; sly grins remembering shared moments; stifled giggles from behind closed doors, and later the shared indulgent smile of parents over a child’s head.

And of course the laughter over remembered moments and shared memories. No wonder girls are always stopped from laughing out loud; it’s because fathers and mothers realise what a girl’s laughter can do to a man; the kind of signals it can be construed to give. And so she’s told to tone down her laugh, while a man may roar as loud as he pleases!

As a colleague from Navbharat Times, Balmukund, admitted endearingly in his column, women who laugh out loud may be considered uncivilised or forward, but the truth is “I like the loud laughter of women. It rings a bell in my ears…” Uncivilised indeed! All part of the conspiracy to keep girls “safe”! She has been told since childhood that good girls never laugh out loud and certainly not look into a guy’s eyes while doing so. Good girls only smile, eyes cast down.

That logic however never cut any ice with me.  Returning from a party one night, my father advised me casually that it doesn’t behove a girl to draw undue attention to herself in a room full of men and women. This nicely worded advice cut me to the quick; years later I realised I was upset because for the first time my father had actually thought of me as a woman he needed to shield from other men rather than just as his child. It hurts when you turn from child to a daughter. A daughter who shouldn’t wear clothes that define her body, who doesn’t talk or laugh loudly, or who sits primly, legs joined at the knees.

Luckily for my sister and me, Dad couldn’t hold that mood for long. And were we glad! Even as a child, I remember going into peals of raucous laughter and being accused by all at home of cackling like a goose! This caused much merriment as my sister and brother would be rolling around on the floor clutching their stomachs and I would try to give out a designer-made laugh. Ladies only titter or giggle, I would be told; they never cackle, and certainly never roar! All to no avail, because try as I might, the cackle never turned musical.

Even now, a good comic scene can set me off to the extent that my husband and sons stop laughing after a point and try to quieten me, so scared are they that I may die of a heart attack caused by uncontrollable laughter! Tears streaking down my cheeks, I reassure them, that’s just vintage me, cackle and all; and I will be all the better after the purging of emotions… That’s why I found Kajol’s cackle in My Name is Khan very amusing and charming, as did Shah Rukh Khan.

Truth be told, there is some substance in the phrase “hansi toh phansi” (if she laughs, consider her won over) because a woman will most likely laugh out loud only with a guy she genuinely likes and trusts. And who hasn’t heard of most women’s first requirement in the guy they wish to marry? A sense of humour!

Women like to laugh as much as men feel the need to make them laugh. No wonder the internet is full of expert advice for men on how to make a woman laugh!

Of course one should beware the effects of ill-timed or ill-placed laughter. After all it was the mocking laugh Draupadi let out when Duryodhana made his missteps in the Palace of Illusions and when Karna sought her hand that led them both to hate her with a vengeance that brought about her humiliating disrobing and the misfortunes of the Pandavas. When Duryodhana hears her laugh at him…

“Wild and intoxicating. Maddening.

Women shouldn’t laugh like that. They had no right to.

Perhaps he would have loved that laughter had its owner been his. Perhaps he would have adored it then. He would have bathed again and again in its glory perhaps.

But she was not his. She was theirs. He had failed to make her his. And she had not allowed Karna to win her for him either.

He had carried the memory of the laughter of the Pandavas in his heart back to Hastinapura. And he had carried the memory of her laughter in his heart…

Back to his home. Back to his lair. And Draupadi had known danger was coming. Coming soon.”                                                                              (Draupadi:The Last Wager, Satya Chaitanya)

What keeps the magic going?

There’s nothing like a made-to-order companion, parent or friend. A basic understanding of each other, and particularly of each other’s differences, determines a long haul!

IS there a formula to make relationships work? A formula that works, no matter what the relationship — parent-child, husband-wife, siblings, lovers, friends — whatever. 

Not that one knows of. Life knows no formulae, no absolutes. Most often things just happen. People fall in or out of love; friends fight and make up; siblings disagree and then patch up. And since the mind doesn’t know any arithmetic of love, it is impossible to fix a formula for all the ups and downs, the successes and failures. The only thing you can keep constant is yourself. 

And so long as there are more ups than downs, more happiness than grief, more happy moments than tragic, one should consider that relationship a success. Life is ultimately all about managing yourself and the environs around you — be they people, circumstances or events. How you handle these and yourself determines the success or failure of relationships. 

One can say with some level of confidence that keeping expectations low and good intentions alive is one way to make a go at any relationship. How can one possibly get a madeto-order companion, parent or friend? And since that isn’t possible, one must settle for the one you get. And make the most of it. 

If there is no formula, what exactly then determines the staying power of a relationship? What is it that keeps two people together? How do you keep going? Sometimes being with someone may have become just a matter of habit, for all you know! 

What is that glue, that intangible value that binds one to another apart from blood ties and the call of duty? Who are the types of people who can make a relationship work? Undoubtedly a determination to make a success out of a relationship is the first step towards making it happen. Flexibility is an important component, wherein each relationship benefits from the elasticity of the protagonists. As one advances, the other retreats and so on. A basic understanding of each other, and particularly of your differences, is what can determine a long haul together. 

When two people are together not through any forced engagement nor just as a matter of habit, but because they alone can give each other the required freedom to grow, that is a truly amazing relationship! 

Indeed one would be loath to break the reassuring stability and independence such a couple find with each other. The sense of togetherness and comfort then becomes a drug that you cannot be easily weaned off. 

The one kind of stress no man or woman accepts happily is an encroachment on your personal space; everything else seems acceptable and doable in comparison. As we move along in life, one realises that what is most important is to have the freedom to grow along one's natural trajectory. And a companionship that allows you that is the stuff dreamy relationships are made of. 

The perfect kind of a man, woman or relationship is one where you can trust and respect the other for at least some qualities and where your companion leaves you alone to follow your own growth. Someone who gives you the space to grow away from him, and yet is always available when you need him for some together time — for a consultation, for support, for succor, for a chat or some shared moments in time. 

So long as the basic values and principles have been sorted out and one is assured of a fundamental commitment to each other, one can learn to appreciate and respect each other’s differences. That to me is real respect and the test of a true relationship. A colleague says of her husband, “We are as different as chalk and cheese. And yet he never tries to change me, nor do I try to change him. He never questions anything I do; just accepts me as I am.” Says another in a long-term relationship, “He is just part of me, disowning or criticising something in him is like disowning myself.” Total acceptance! 

When I asked a long-divorced friend what stopped her from seeking another man, a companion to love and cherish, her answer was a bald, “If there were such guys around, I would…There's no such man.” 

But that’s the point. There are no “such” men nor women. Nor is there any magic potion that makes or breaks relationships. The magic is in the intention and in recognising and accepting each other’s differences. 

The best kind of a relationship, in fact the only one that matters is one that allows you to be yourself; where you do not have to change your innermost values, rhythms and choices for another. And where you do not feel the compulsion to change another’s. Else you would end up in a tie where you consider it beautiful and fulfilling — but your partner doesn’t! 

Go on, Sell Yourself

In an age of hard sell, success depends on how well you market yourself. From stars to spiritual gurus, nobody’s immune to the urban cattle fair

NOT long back, you just completed a project and moved on. An actor's job ended with acting; an author’s, with writing; an artist’s, with painting, and so on. Not any longer. Nowadays, the real work begins after you have completed your work.

Actors, authors, artists, editors are all out there strutting their stuff in the hope of ensnaring as many takers as possible. And in a market where everybody is selling and everybody buying, the going is tough. The ones with the best strategies and long-term planning come out flying while the meek and embarrassed get left far behind.

And the competition is intense, particularly where big bucks are involved. Like Bollywood. No sooner has one star finished his high intensity drive than another takes to the road with his wares, providing the audience one long caravan of entertainment, on-screen as well as off screen. Aamir visiting various cities in disguise, Amitabh doing the Auro dance, Shah Rukh getting down on his knees and getting mock engaged to a girl — all publicity stunts to market movies! Come to that, what else are stars doing on Twitter but marketing themselves and their friends with the fervour of bigots? Amitabh Bachchan has been lamenting this off and on in his blog. As he blogged on December 28, 2009, “Marketing and promotions are now akin to making another movie almost; with the time and energy required for its production, its presentation and its delivery.” Marketing yourself is a pain, at least to the modest and level headed amongst us. And when you know that the fruit of your hard work depends on it, it becomes an intolerable pressure! And yet without it, you cannot hope to succeed. Nobody can deny that 3 Idiots was a phenomenal film, and yet what made it a phenomenon was the acute marketing exercise that accompanied it.

And riding on the crest of this marketing wave were not just Aamir Khan, Vidhu Vinod Chopra and Raju Hirani, but also another unlikely candidate --Chetan Bhagat! As a fellow author says, “This was a very cunning strategy devised by Chetan. In management parlance it’s called ‘Attack the Leader’. And once he was assured of the success of 3 Idiots, he chose his moment to attack. Otherwise, why didn’t he protest earlier?” Superb marketing.

M a r ke t i n g oneself isn’t confined to B o l ly wo o d alone. Society women can no longer be just pretty young things. All Beautiful People come with large tags, announcing the brands they endorse. They sculpt their bodies and chisel their faces to attract brands to come hang their wares. It wouldn’t be surprising if a time comes when Beautiful People offer to tattoo brand endorsements on various available parts of their lovely, pricey bodies!

A party can no longer be just a get together of friends. When Naina Balsaver hosted an all-women lunch at Fio in Garden of Five Senses, it wasn’t just the newly-launched restaurant that got the attention they needed, but also W Factor Club who shared sangria knowhow; a lady who read fortunes from coffee dregs; Varun Narayan, the puppeteer who held a show with an undercurrent of erotica; Nu Skin who promoted their anti-ageing products; Dhruv and Pallavi, designers whose clothes kids walked the ramp in; Minola whose canned spinach was given as a thank-you gift to guests along with an evil eye bracelet from Naina’s own jewellery design line, Hair Looms.

So eight brands got promoted at one lunch! You are typically invited to a multi-event evening co-hosted by multiple people through an invite that carries various sponsor logos. An art show c o u l d well be clubbed with the launch of a wine and a fashion show and jazz concert.

Now, must we all sell ourselves? Well, depends. On the one hand, when even spiritual gurus are actively marketing their spiritual wealth, who are we to protest? On the other, do you really have something that needs marketing? And the inclination to hardsell it? Invariably the end result will dictate the answer to this question. At least you have a choice. Which is more than can be said for those stars who have crores riding on their shoulders as they mime and disguise and gyrate and propose under duress, trying to seduce an audience already sold out to another!

In a space overflowing with marketeers bent upon selling themselves, the name of the game is innovative techniques of grabbing them by the balls — eyeballs, of course!

Many masters, many voices!

Do your child's confident choices leave you with a lingering sense of inadequacy?

As the family finally sets off from home after many arguments and exchange of blame for the delay, there is a moment of lull as the car takes off. "Alright, so where are we going for dinner now?" asks someone, invariably the one at the driving wheel. What follows is chaos as multiple voices make as many suggestions.

By the time order is restored and a decision arrived at, tempers have frayed, sensitivities injured and there is at least one person sulking, while another simmers.

Twenty years ago, you would step out of home, decision of meal and venue already made with no arguments or opposition, and everybody looking forward to the meal with equal enthusiasm. The decision then was made by one person - the head of the family -- and the others fell in line. Today, every member of the family has a say in every decision. On the positive side, this also promotes a great sense of togetherness and bonding.

We empower our kids to take their own decisions from a very early age. We ask them the cuisine they prefer, the movie they want to see, the holiday they wish to go on, the colour of walls they prefer, kind of furniture in their bedroom and study, and even the subjects they wish to study!

Are we doing the right thing by encouraging children to make their own choices in fields ranging from entertainment to academics as we take the backseat? Before we realise, we get them used to being the masters of their own Destiny. And we are the first ones to suffer the consequences.

Truth is that the generation gap between our parents and us was much narrower than that between our children and us. Children today grow physically, mentally and emotionally by leaps and bounds and it may be difficult for us to accept, but they more often than not know their own mind and what they want.

Truly speaking, do we even have a choice? Do our kids ALLOW us to guide them? In fact, their confident choices often leave a lingering sense of inadequacy in parents. In the midst of the many voices surrounding our children, where is the space for us? Between hundreds of friends they link with on Facebook and various other social interaction fora, where do they have the time to listen to their parents?

It's a networked world out there where children consult and guide each other and openly share their disappointments and triumphs on the World Wide Web. Very often the parent may hear through another of what his or her child is going through.

Such is the blind belief in peers that a parent's well-meaning advice can sound like nothing more than unnecessary preaching. How then do we reach through all the social clutter and make the voice of reason be heard? And, more important in this world of multiple choices and innumerable career choices, are we even sure what direction to nudge our child towards?

How many of you can say with a degree of honesty that you are absolutely sure your kid is made to be an engineer, a bureaucrat, a policeman, businessman, politician or an academician? Even as we attempt to guide our children, we are all deep down unsure of the choices we make for them. Those who claim to be absolutely certain are either misled or too rigid for our own good, or that of our children. In fact, thank God, children today question our choices and prefer to go with the flow, to follow the rhythm of their lives.

How then can we ensure that we stay on the same page as our children? When my children were young, I had devised a means of catching them at their most vulnerable moment of the day to chat and ensure all was well in their little worlds. At bedtime, I would sing them lullabies and in between ask them about their day. As they grew up and have started staying awake later, sometimes through the night, lullabies and bedside chats disappeared.

However, recently I have started thinking it's important to reinstate the same (chats, not lullabies). How else would you stay connected and learn to think like them, follow the process of their rationale and then take a hard look at their decisions?

What then is the best path to take? I would say the most important thing one can do is listen. Listen to your children speak to you; learn to listen to even the silences. Ensure you keep some time aside for them; insist they keep some time aside for you as well. Do not invade their private spaces; create a space for yourself with them. Step into their world, try to understand what rivets them and learn to speak their language. It's not as complicated as it sounds; just a daily half hour of the clichéd "quality time" would do the trick.

So long as you have inculcated basic values in your child in the initial formative years and given them a good education, you have already cut through the clutter and been heard. You can then trust your child to do the rest…