There’s nothing like a made-to-order companion, parent or friend. A basic understanding of each other, and particularly of each other’s differences, determines a long haul!
IS there a formula to make relationships work? A formula that works, no matter what the relationship — parent-child, husband-wife, siblings, lovers, friends — whatever.
Not that one knows of. Life knows no formulae, no absolutes. Most often things just happen. People fall in or out of love; friends fight and make up; siblings disagree and then patch up. And since the mind doesn’t know any arithmetic of love, it is impossible to fix a formula for all the ups and downs, the successes and failures. The only thing you can keep constant is yourself.
And so long as there are more ups than downs, more happiness than grief, more happy moments than tragic, one should consider that relationship a success. Life is ultimately all about managing yourself and the environs around you — be they people, circumstances or events. How you handle these and yourself determines the success or failure of relationships.
One can say with some level of confidence that keeping expectations low and good intentions alive is one way to make a go at any relationship. How can one possibly get a madeto-order companion, parent or friend? And since that isn’t possible, one must settle for the one you get. And make the most of it.
If there is no formula, what exactly then determines the staying power of a relationship? What is it that keeps two people together? How do you keep going? Sometimes being with someone may have become just a matter of habit, for all you know!
What is that glue, that intangible value that binds one to another apart from blood ties and the call of duty? Who are the types of people who can make a relationship work? Undoubtedly a determination to make a success out of a relationship is the first step towards making it happen. Flexibility is an important component, wherein each relationship benefits from the elasticity of the protagonists. As one advances, the other retreats and so on. A basic understanding of each other, and particularly of your differences, is what can determine a long haul together.
When two people are together not through any forced engagement nor just as a matter of habit, but because they alone can give each other the required freedom to grow, that is a truly amazing relationship!
Indeed one would be loath to break the reassuring stability and independence such a couple find with each other. The sense of togetherness and comfort then becomes a drug that you cannot be easily weaned off.
The one kind of stress no man or woman accepts happily is an encroachment on your personal space; everything else seems acceptable and doable in comparison. As we move along in life, one realises that what is most important is to have the freedom to grow along one's natural trajectory. And a companionship that allows you that is the stuff dreamy relationships are made of.
The perfect kind of a man, woman or relationship is one where you can trust and respect the other for at least some qualities and where your companion leaves you alone to follow your own growth. Someone who gives you the space to grow away from him, and yet is always available when you need him for some together time — for a consultation, for support, for succor, for a chat or some shared moments in time.
So long as the basic values and principles have been sorted out and one is assured of a fundamental commitment to each other, one can learn to appreciate and respect each other’s differences. That to me is real respect and the test of a true relationship. A colleague says of her husband, “We are as different as chalk and cheese. And yet he never tries to change me, nor do I try to change him. He never questions anything I do; just accepts me as I am.” Says another in a long-term relationship, “He is just part of me, disowning or criticising something in him is like disowning myself.” Total acceptance!
When I asked a long-divorced friend what stopped her from seeking another man, a companion to love and cherish, her answer was a bald, “If there were such guys around, I would…There's no such man.”
But that’s the point. There are no “such” men nor women. Nor is there any magic potion that makes or breaks relationships. The magic is in the intention and in recognising and accepting each other’s differences.
The best kind of a relationship, in fact the only one that matters is one that allows you to be yourself; where you do not have to change your innermost values, rhythms and choices for another. And where you do not feel the compulsion to change another’s. Else you would end up in a tie where you consider it beautiful and fulfilling — but your partner doesn’t!
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