Would you like to be a Tiwari or Vajpayee?

ND Tiwari was caught with his pants down… but why is he denying it? Forget Tiger Woods, the octogenarian politician is the object of male envy!

COMPARISONS are odious, yes, but this one was unavoidable. Both events happened on Christmas Day this December. A B Vajpayee turned 85 and the cover was blown off our 86-year-old raunchy guv in Andhra Pradesh, N D Tiwari. Images of both these stalwarts hit TV screens at the same time.

Vajpayee, seen after almost a year in public. Unwell, barely able to hold himself upright. A man universally acknowledged as the epitome of honesty and integrity, today the image of a defeated hero — one who struggled all his life and lives to see the fruits of his struggle desecrated and going to waste. At least for the time being.

Tiwari, more lucky than capable (we are talking politics here, not his prowess in bed!) has had a steady career in politics — and yes, in womanising. Everyone had heard of his romps and kind of factored in his wild side; but his luck had to break at some point and the s..t hit the ceiling four years short of his 90th year! Goodness, quite an achievement that! And he was caught cavorting with not just one, but three women simultaneously! Most men would go breathless and glassy eyed just thinking about it!

The day ABN Andhra Jyothi beamed the salacious footage, many sheepish men responded with beams of their own — delighted ones, of course. As an actor friend from Tollywood texted, "Tiwari has given all men hope for the future!" Considering men's biggest complex is and has been the longevity of their virility, (one of the most popular questions sex experts are asked), indeed Tiwari doles out hope by the ladles!

Men went crazy searching for a clue to Tiwari's technique! The governor beat the beleaguered Tiger Woods hollow on internet search, as reported by Google Trends. Who's the real tiger now? The young, athletic, sexy golfer or the unfit-looking octogenarian?

This is phenomenal! And Tiwari should go down in history for this one achievement if none other. In a world populated by men worried about performance from as early as their late-30s, for a man to be able to handle three at one go in his almost 90th year, is a rare achievement indeed! If this then is his highpoint, why is Tiwari even denying it? He should stride out, proudly thump his chest and let out a Tarzan yowl, "Yaaaaaeeeeeeyyyy…I did it, I did it!!!"

Like we said last week in this column, sometimes we spend precious time denying our best and most successful moments in life, only to knock at the wrong door later! This is it, Mr Tiwari, this is your claim to fame, your achievement in this lifetime! Accept the crown, the envy and adulation of your brethren across the globe. They are all standing there, waiting to learn from your great expertise, tongues lolling and saying in abject submission a la 3 Idiots, "Jahapanah, tussi great ho! Mera tohfa qabool karo!"

Nobody need go to Chandni Chowk anymore for lizard oil or water snakes pickled in brandy. No need to scour thousands of websites promising "male enhancement" techniques and products, no need to worry about popping in that little blue pill at the right moment anymore. Hakimjis all over can shut their shops. All men need to do now is figure out the dietary and fitness habits of Tiwarisaab (Saala, kya khaata hai, as an envious man said aloud at the Gymkhana Club the other night amidst uproarious laughter) and be assured, you will be a fit and active 90 and hopefully, beyond…. It was an interesting exercise to ask some colleagues and friends who they would like to be like in their mid-80s — Vajpayee or Tiwari. Despite their greater respect for the former, each one of them answered with a resounding, "Obviously Tiwari!"

A scholarly friend from Hyderabad texted, "I would want the virility of Tiwari and the luck of Vajpayee…" Touche! As they say, a man is innocent — till he is caught! And my friend here wasn't taking any chances with painting anyone pure white!

A woman friend agrees, "Well, it is a well-known fact that men think more with their ….. rather than their heads, so who are you or me to swear by anyone's innocence?!"

However, one reply brought me up short. "Kya pata how much of this is true?! We don't know if he was actually at it or just absorbing some pleasurable, gentle care," said one male voice dripping envy. Ah ha now, sour grapes buddy! We all remember the Grimms fairytale, The Valiant Little Tailor, where after killing seven flies with one swap, a puny tailor roams the world with the words "Seven at one Stroke" embroidered across his clothes. Not knowing what the seven refers to, most people keep a respectable distance from him. Ultimately the tailor, just by dint of managing perceptions, becomes a king and lives happily ever after…

We don't know what actually happened in there between Tiwari and the three beauties. All we do know is that Singh may or not be king, but today Tiwari is King, at least in the eyes of most men!

And out of a tailor, a king was made…

Tiger in the Woods

The virulent attacks launched on a besieged Tiger Woods is a study in the pleasure people take in pulling down celebrities from pedestals they place them on Pop legend George Michael in an interview to The Guardian last week, lashed out at those, including singer Elton John, who insist upon thrusting their concern on him. "People want to see me as tragic with all the cottaging and drug-taking... those things are not what most people aspire to, and I think it removes people's envy to see your weaknesses… I don't even see them as weaknesses any more. It's just who I am."

Exactly. Ok, so Tiger Woods too had his weakness; he slept around. Wouldn't every man drunk on success and surrounded by swooning women begging to be propositioned? Anyone is liable to slip once in a while.

But that one act cannot take away everything else Tiger stood for. Do a few stray romps mean he loved or valued his family any less? Do a few meaningless encounters justify the public destruction of one of the best golfing talents the world has seen? Or, the frenzied "lovecheat golfer" tirade launched by Western media?

I would agree with George Michael that at times like these the deep-seated envy and grudge the common man bears towards the successful specimen comes to the fore. Fans or followers, each one of them out there would give their eye-teeth to be in the celebrity's shoes. Every man envies him those romps and every woman is curious about his prowess. And it is this unbridled jealousy that empowers the vicious attacks and supports the moral puke that is spouted the moment a chink in the celebrity's armour is detected.

We all know Tiger as an ace golfer. But why expect that to make him a paragon of virtue or moral righteousness! Tiger, the man is not as significant as Tiger Woods, the golfer. What the man does and his acts of infidelity should be of least concern to the world that admires his moves on the golf greens. The man has to be detached from the player. The player has responsibilities towards the game and his fans, which the man doesn't need to.

Entertainers and sportspersons have a responsibility towards their game. But, unlike politicians and public servants they are not beholden to the masses to demonstrate moral fortitude! You can pull down a Prime Minister like the Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi for not displaying morally appropriate behaviour, but the same rules cannot be applied to a performer, a pop icon, star or a sportsman!

Ace achievers like Tiger are national, rather world heritage stuff and should be treated as such. There is the danger that all the moral policing, the witch-hunting by media and public outcry may have irreversibly damaged his game; it has already shattered his image and near about broken his marriage!

The witch-hunting led by international media is amazing. Channels have withdrawn advertisements of products endorsed by the ‘tainted' golf legend! Newspapers and websites have actually set up special desks with dedicated numbers that scream out, "Do you know any women linked to Tiger Woods? Call us!"

Well, considering all those publicity seeking sharks out there living for their golden moment in the sun, such an open invite may be quite irresistible, and it is quite possible that more than half the women claiming a romantic connect with the slain Tiger, are nothing but opportunists waiting for moments like these!

One cannot close one's eyes to the phenomena of fans who seek brief sexual encounters or to the more determined female groupies, who are available and in fact actively seek sexual favours or even emotional connects with celebrities and figures of authority.

I'm not saying that what Tiger did was right. But I do want to meet the one man who can swear, hand on heart, that he wouldn't ever naughty text, flirt, or even indulge in an affair with women throwing themselves at him, given the opportunity.

As mistresses spilled out of the "Woods" — waitresses, porn stars, club hosts, TV presenters — Tiger made a touching appeal after apologising for his "transgressions", "There is an important and deep principle at stake, which is the right to some simple, human measure of privacy... Personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn't have to mean public confessions."

It is under the pressure of media and public outcry that celebrity marriages break and a man is brought down to his knees in a manner far worse than his transgression deserved. Left alone to lick their wounds, a couple may well rally round and arrive at a compromise, as most couples do, to preserve their marriage.

We did this to Boris Becker and wife Barbara when Boris had a closet interlude with Russian model Angela Ermakova. The world cried foul; media and public outcry broke up his marriage. Hugh Grant had to grovel after being caught with a hooker in his car. He pacified the public with abject apologies and was then forgiven.

There is an element of perverse pleasure media and people take in the public humiliation of a celebrity. In a throwback to times of archaic public hangings and stoning, everyone seems to gleefully reach for the first stone to throw...

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